BRELAXED STRESS CONSULTANCY

By Michelle Pearson

SELF ESTEEM/BUILDING

SELF-ESTEEM

Self esteem is quite a large topic, but ultimately it is how we view ourselves; the value we place on ourselves. This 'belief' is developed from the moment we are born; each new experience can either increase or decrease our self-esteem / self worth. This includes everything anyone says to us, so if the people we view as important, keep repeating statements, we will believe them. It is only with time that we may begin to question what is being said - and sometimes never!

It stems from how we view our experiences, by using previous experiences as a guide. We also learn how to view our experiences by listening to others who were present and by observing them as they interacted with us. Again, one tends to place more value on the people we love and their views. This in itself can cause us to change our opinions for example, we may initially believe we have done something well, until we receive feedback from those who are close to us. If their reaction is not the one we hoped, often 'our' opinion changes, to stay in line with those close to us. For example, we may have been told that we don't think before speaking, that we aren't polite and cannot behave properly in public, etc. These are often told to us before we see how others behave; when we get to school, we then have a completely new batch of people we look for feedback on ourselves. This continues throughout ones life, as we are always meeting new people.

The more people around us that say the same thing increases the probability of us believing it. If it is a negative attribute we will think less of ourselves, our self-esteem falls. Yet the opposite is just as correct, if it is a positive attribute our self-worth / self-esteem is likely to increase. For example, one may have been told that they are very good at maths, which can make learning the subject easier, especially if both the parents and the maths teacher agree, this can really boost ones self worth. HOWEVER, if the teacher doesn't agree, then one is more likely to begin questioning ones ability etc, with a result of lower self worth. Eventually there does come a time when one assesses and judges what other people are saying, this is life; it is one way of learning about ourselves. If we don't have a high opinion of someone, the chance of us valuing their feedback is often reduced. Initially as a baby and small child we believe most if not all that is being told to us, especially if it comes from one we value/like/love. Then as one grows up and meets more people, other insights occur, plus parents tend to have some bias!

As we grow up and become adults our beliefs/opinions about ourselves are very important. If we have a good balanced self-esteem, originating from both positive and negative feedback, we are more likely to feel safe and secure. This is VERY important regarding stress, if one has a low self worth - a low opinion of oneself then there is a very high probability that one will not believe any compliment that is given, whilst at the same time believe anything negative. One will also tend to have higher anxiety levels, triggered by the smallest event, feeling etc. This often results in ever increasing anxiety, tension and stress when asked to do something. Even though a common characteristic of someone with a low opinion of themselves is an over eagerness to please, this can result in being in an abusive relationship, being 'used' to do any task other work colleagues won't do. Sadly, this often means a number of physical symptoms surface, e.g.
1. Headaches
2. Muscular tension
3. Stomach problems
4. Heart-burn
5. Diarrhoea
6. Dizziness
7. Light-headedness
8. Nausea
9. Loneliness
10. Unreal feelings
The list can go on.

By using another persons view of good, bad, right or wrong can at times influence your own decision making skills in a negative manner. Think of the term "self fulfilling prophecy", if one has been told they are 'thick', 'stupid' etc, from an early age, there are a number of ways to react, two of them are;
1. Believe the statement and do nothing
2. Believe the statement but try to disprove it.

No matter the result, even if it ends with a Doctorate, ones internal dialogue would probably still question whether it was deserved, to the point where one could begin to talk down the achievement, that the doctorate doesn't mean much, if you got it, for example. If one is taught their opinion is not worthy, or they cannot provide a quantifiable argument etc, the most likely result is keeping quiet especially if there is a fear of rejection. If you see yourself in these words, or maybe the earlier strength and weakness questionnaire assessment showed a self-esteem boost is needed, this can be done. By providing a way to improve your own opinion of yourself, you will also change your life and life experiences; meaning less stress, tension, anxiety, the list is endless! Why not allow yourself to take those self esteem blinkers and look at the world and yourself with fresh eyes?

SELF ESTEEM BUILDING

As a child we tend to learn to measure success and failure in four main categories.

1. Cognitive - our ability to solve problems
2. Social - our ability to get along with other people
3. Physical - what we can do physically such as play football, ride a bicycle, dance
4. Behaviour - this is different as it focuses on the stereotypical views of what is a good girl and what is a good boy and whether we meet those stereotypical values.

As we grow up there are many more areas that judgements are made on e.g., attractiveness, beauty, adequacy, sex, job, intelligence, house, cars etc the list can go on. Every day, we all make judgements about ourselves, others, and how others perceive us. Sometimes that judgement is based on how we (incorrectly) view another person's life, it can be a celebrity, or even your best friend, and one can still make incorrect judgements. If your best friend appears to be, good looking, good at their job, is never late, always prepared, their home is clean, their children well groomed etc. We may begin to feel we aren't 'worthy' of their friendship. They key word there, was 'appeared' and this causes no end of problems. When you have doubts about your own abilities, making incorrect judgements of others, as to how they see you. Negativity and self-doubt will probably rear its ugly head. No matter what your friends may say, you may still think they are just saying that to be nice, they don't mean it, etc. It is very easy to write a list of 'negative' things about yourself, but when asked to write a list of the good things, it becomes extremely difficult, why don't you try it?

This is all faulty and it can be changed, not over night but with time working on one aspect at a time. Such as the area, that you think causes you the most problems. On the logs page there is a self-esteem log, it is a basic way of challenging your negative views. Faulty self-esteem tends to generate low levels of self-esteem and not enough positive self-esteem. Sadly, this does start as a child and listening to others, seeing what they class as good, bad, etc. It does not mean they are right, but we do listen to that. It is only in adult hood when we really see the impact of our judgements.

I shall be adding more to this section on self esteem building.

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