ASSERTIVENESS TRAINING

Interaction with other people is quite difficult and there are many fine lines, most of which are invisible. Being assertive is one such difficulty and one such invisible line. To some being assertive may be seen as being aggressive; there is a difference. For some assertiveness and aggressiveness are the same, and often, women tend to be seen aggressive when being assertive, and men are seen as being assertive when being aggressive.

Andrew Salter initially defined assertiveness in 1949. Originally, it was thought you either were assertive, or you weren't, a personality trait. In later years assertiveness has been redefined, Lazarus definition in 66 was "expressing personal rights and feelings". Depending on the situation some people would become assertive, when normally they are not. Take for example a person collapses in a room full of people, everyone reacts differently, the person who becomes assertive and 'deals' with the situation by organising everyone, may in their normal life, be someone who is normally passive. What is important about assertiveness training is it provides 'tools' to help an individual become assertive. They begin to express how they feel, and begin to believe they have a 'right' to hold that belief. It is important in stress management, because lack of assertiveness can increase levels of stress.

If you have difficulty saying 'no' when someone asks you to do something, assertiveness training may help. This is especially so if you say 'yes' to doing something when you really did not want to. If you do not want to do something, you have the right to say 'no'. Obviously there are many times when we all have to do things we don't want to, this is normal. We all have obligations and responsibilities, other people to think of beside ourselves. This does not mean one has to loose our rights to feel and express our thoughts, beliefs, opinions etc. However, just as we have the right to express our feelings, so does everyone else, the key is doing it without violating another person.

Assertiveness is linked with self-esteem, and is often taught together. Those who do not have a good opinion of themselves, tend to be the ones saying yes when they mean no, possibly believing the more they say 'yes' the better they are looked upon. The need for external praise is high, especially if your own opinion is so low. Being assertive, does not just involve expressing one's feelings, it also means having the ability to talk about yourself in an open and honest manner, without feeling self conscious, listening to others. Accepting compliments when they are given - how many times have you LISTENED, BELIEVED and said 'THANK YOU' when someone has taken the time to compliment you? There is also the ability to ask questions without feeling a laughing stock, I was once told, "if you have a question, rest assured someone else has the exact same one. Also the ability to say 'no' and mean it.

Here are some of words used to define assertiveness in the Oxford English Dictionary, see if your self description uses any of these words!

"To assert means to state, declare to be true, use (power etc) effectively". Would you or those close to you use any of the words to describe you? Interacting with people can be very difficult, we all want to make a good impression, studies have shown, people tend to make their minds up within the first minute. Once formed it is also very hard to change. Shy, or introverted people may have more problems with asserting themselves, than an extravert, but this is certainly NOT the rule. Being an extravert doesn't make saying 'no' any easier, but it is still a misconception. Anyone can have a need for assertiveness training, including those who are aggressive. By learning more about oneself, everyone can become assertive, rather than passive, or aggressive. Studies have shown that less assertive people tend to believe they do not have the 'right' to their own feelings, opinions, this is common for those with low self esteem as well.

Some may view that it is selfish people who are assertive especially when they 'appear' to get what they want. In reality, an assertive person has the belief that they are important, and that they have the right to express themselves. When you believe in yourself and that what you do is important, this brings an essence of confidence, often misconstrued as 'power'. It is very easy to become aggressive and decide other peoples feelings no longer matter, as long as yours are met. If you believe your own matter are important, then you should believe that everyone is equal and ALL feelings are important, no one person is greater than another. Otherwise it becomes aggressive, the instance you believe you are better than another person, your feelings matter more than theirs - you have crossed that invisible line.

Imagine a line aggression at one end and passivity at the other, assertiveness is ALWAYS in the middle. Passivity occurs when you no longer believe your feelings, thoughts, opinions are important this often ends in other people abusing you, it doesn't matter the form of abuse, abuse is wrong no matter what. As I will and have explained in previous pages, the reasons for passivity stem from repeatedly being told, you do not matter, you are not important etc. This is why assertiveness training is taught along side self esteem building. As you will notice throughout this site, I have tried to provide information and tools to help you to make your choices.

PASSIVITY = cannot stand up for oneself, based on not believing they are important - in essence becoming a victim

AGRESSIVE = ignoring other peoples feelings by placing your own above others, manipulating people undermining another in the hope of getting the out come you want. Based on having developed a belief that you and your feelings are all that matter, that you are better than others.

ASSERTIVE = expressing ones needs and allowing others do the same in an open manner so that all possibilities can be discussed and no one feels guilty over a negative response they had to give. Based on the view that everyone is equal, you and your feelings are no more or less important than another.

Here are some general questions, there are no answers as such, it is an exercise for you to see how you would respond in a given situation. Its a sort of thinking exercise, try writing them down and your answers, ask family and friends, the situation themselves may already have happened in your life, in which case you could consider if you would have changed your behaviour/response to it.

1. You are in a restaurant and what you have ordered is not to your liking what would you do? Or, they have made an error and put something on your plate you didn't request.
2. You are in a cue waiting to be served and someone goes in front of you what would you do?
3. You are on holiday and your partner organisers a dinner party for a day you have previously agreed would be free what would you do?
4. Your boss has given you a pile of work which you manage to get finished 5 minuets before your shift ends, and he requests you to do something else, what would you do?
5. You have been waiting for a specific movie to come out at the Cinema or on video, but your spouse wants something else what do you do.

As you can see, these are everyday examples of life, there are numerous other situations that could quite easily be asked, the question itself is irrelevant to a degree. Your responses will demonstrate/highlight how assertive you are. You may well be thinking what is the point of having a row over a movie or a meal. However, if you constantly avoid confrontation and expressing your real feelings eventually, those bottled up emotions will come out. If you haven't been honest and open with yourself let alone another, those feelings won't just evaporate they will fester, and the outburst may cause more problems than voicing your feelings at the time. For example if you haven't told your partner that their continued changing of previously chosen films annoys you, it is hardly fair to expect them to know you are unhappy with the choice of film. People after all are not mind readers, unless we are told something, how can we know, or do something about it?

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Thank you for your visit - Michelle Pearson.

Email: michellepearson@worldonline .co.uk.