ASSERTIVENESS TRAINING Cont
Lets continue, assertiveness training is a vast subject. If you attend a short course or if you follow any of my suggestions you will first notice that 'I' becomes very important. To become assertive you do have to begin to believe that you are valued and what you say, feel, believe is important. So, it is best if you start to use the word 'I' a lot but more importantly using it in a positive light. As a small example why not write a list of 10 positive/good words about your self, and then change them into a positive sentence starting with the word 'I'. For example, you may be a good cook, instead of just putting good cook, say "I am a good cook", this is very easy, but the actual listing of words can be difficult. People in general do find it difficult when faced with writing a list of good things about them.
People often hold misconceptions on what is acceptable, below is a list of some of your rights. On the next page there is a 'BILL of RIGHTS' which is very similar to the points below. It is a bill of assertiveness rights, it is NOT a legal document. You will notice the phrase 'you have the right' this is important, and it should be repeated as frequently as need be to enforce the reality that you do have rights. These rights are for assertiveness, they are different to your other legal rights etc. Each Country has its own set of laws that everyone in that Country has to follow. You like everyone else in your Country must abide by the rules, laws and customs set down in your Country.
1. You should not broadcast your success - YOU HAVE THE RIGHT to inform anyone and get compliments.
2. You cannot make mistakes - everyone makes mistakes and YOU HAVE THE RIGHT to make mistakes.
3. You should not ask questions at all - YOU HAVE THE RIGHT to ask as many questions you need.
4. No one wants to hear how you feel - YOU HAVE THE RIGHT to express how you feel, even when you have not been asked.
5. If other people don't believe your feelings they don't mean much - YOU HAVE THE RIGHT to have your own feelings, they do not need to be validated by someone else.
6. You cannot change your mind - YOU HAVE THE RIGHT to change your mind, within reason.
7. Another persons time is more valuable than your own, so you cannot waste it - YOU HAVE THE RIGHT to ask for support and to spend as much time as you need with another person.
8. You must always help someone in trouble - YOU HAVE THE RIGHT, not to take responsibility for someone else's troubles. Yes it is nice to help, but you cannot always do so, YOU HAVE THE RIGHT to say 'no'.
9. You must follow the advice others have given you - YOU HAVE THE RIGHT to make your own choice.
10. It is selfish to put your needs first - YOU HAVE THE RIGHT to put your needs fist, sometimes.
There, are many more examples, though the reason for this list and the 'bill of rights' on the next page, is to demonstrate that you have the right to be assertive; accepting, showing, and expressing your own feelings and emotions. No one is perfect, but we should all be considered equal.
WHAT CAN BE DONE
The key to assertiveness is in believing you are the best judge of your own feelings, thoughts, needs and wants. If you do not know what it is you require, how can someone else? You are unique, we all are individuals, we have all experienced life in a different way, and even siblings experience life differently. Siblings brought up in the same house, will have different views on their childhood, and neither is wrong. They may believe complete opposites and they have the right to believe, feel, and express those feelings. An important factor, is not to quash another persons view, so for the siblings, being assertive, means being able to express their possible different view of their childhood. Whilst at the same time, the other listens and does not go on to attack those feelings. When someone disregards those feelings, then they are being aggressive and ignoring how you feel. If you want people to acknowledge and or understand your feelings, then you should do the same.
Assertiveness training as I have mentioned is often linked with self esteem building, it has also been found to help people who are dealing with, depression, anger, and anxiety. These too are also linked with self-esteem, if you are passive because of feelings of not being good, this can lead to clinical depression. Furthermore, if the emotions are not expressed, there is a good chance the 'inner you' is very angry. This can be directed inwards as well as outwards and anxiety follows. Someone with low self worth will often try to do everything possible to please someone, to get some positive feedback, but if a thank you is given, the compliment is not taken, it is ignored, and the low self worth continues.
As I have already mentioned there are three recognised interpersonal styles; Aggressive
- expressing your feelings but at the expense of another: such as 'I am better than everyone else and they are all wrong, I'm right'. Assertive - expressing your feelings without ignoring another's: 'I am equal to everyone else and we can have differences'. Then Passive - unable to express your feelings 'I'm not as good as anyone else and I'm always wrong. I shall be adding a small questionnaire soon to help you see which style you are - until then, use the score from the STRENGTH AND WEAKNESS QUESTIONAIRE.
The score is only a guide, but it will help you follow the next stages. After you have found which of the styles is you, use a piece of paper and describe any scene/situation you have found uncomfortable/difficult. Try to be specific an example is below. If you can, try to describe three or four different situations (on paper) that have caused you problems. Once they are down on paper you have in effect given your feelings a voice, it is up to you if you want to continue listening, and to open it further.
1. WHO - who is the person.
2. WHEN - does it happen.
3. WHAT - happens.
4. HOW - you deal with it.
5. FEAR - the consequences of being assertive.
6. GOAL - what you want to do.
Here is a brief example of a specific description. "When I go into my Boss - John's (WHO) office (WHEN) and he begins to shout at me, telling me my work is poor (WHAT). I just stand there listening to him (HOW). If I interrupt him I am afraid I will loose my job (FEAR), I would like to say "my work is good, it brings in a lot of money for this firm" (GOAL).
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click "next" to continue LEARNING ABOUT ASSERTIVENESS SKILLS.
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