is a good guide. Identify as many everyday situations that you find difficult and using the system on the previous page make the statements as specific as possible. Whilst at the same time, list the outcome or behaviour pattern you would prefer. For example, someone may be making you angry and upset, so you may want to change those feelings. Definw ways in which your behaviour could change the outcome.
By understanding your own behaviour you will be able to start changing it. This is the key to taking the next step is to understand why you behave in one way rather than another. If you have not been as specific as possible, you will find the following processes very difficult. Thereby you have taken away the opportunity for the possibly of change to happen. We all want a positive change, where you feel better about the situation but about yourself. Some people call this a 'script of change', a plan of action, a to do list etc. Behaviour can change the outcome of a situation if you let it.
There are a few steps that need to be followed before a change in behaviour is succesful. Firstly, you need to know what your rights are as an assertive human being. What your feelings, needs, and wants are about the specific situation you have already noted. Little to no change will happen if you start to blame another person, or if you choose to 'wallow in self pity' you need to let go of the negativity to make workable goals regarding the situation. This will then help you to discuss it with another person in a clear, open and honest manner. If you were to go in all guns blazing, the other person is hardly going to feel positive about you and listen to your needs.
The next step is to arrange to talk and discuss the situation with the person concerned. By agreeing on a time and place for a discussion to take place, you can get your thoughts in order as can the other person. This is where the specific situations you have written about come into use. They can stop you from rushing in, and speaking before thinking what it is you want to get across. Therefore the possibility of change is becoming easier. (There is no need for this step if it is an on the spot situation, e.g. someone jumping the cue). The next step is to define the problem as clearly as possible, use the scripts if necessary. Then when you start to discuss your feelings, beliefs, opinions and needs you already have them clear in your mind. In other words you are stating what you believe the crux of the problem is.
If you express your feeling etc clearly enough without apportioning blame. The person you are expressing them to can understand where you are coming from. This is another key to helping yourself and the other person change behaviour patterns. Thus reducing the possibility of continually repeating the same situation. However, they may NOT be able to agree with you regarding the situation, so very little may change initially. The important element here is that you have expressed yourself and they now can understand you and your feelings and even acknowledge them. If nothing changes, other than them accepting your feelings, it is important for you to see this as a positive result. Your feelings have been validated, which can often be sufficient for you to become more assertive. You don't need someone else to validate your feelings, you can do that yourself, but it does give a little boost when an external party understands your feelings.
When you are expressing your feelings and discussing the situation there are three rules that should be followed. It will reduce the chance of causing hurt and or difficulties, such as feelings of being attacked and having to defend oneself. For another person to be able to listen and accept your feelings they need to feel ok, so, if they are being blamed, they will not be open to hearing your feelings - would you? The three rules are:
1. Do not substitute an opinion for a feeling, it is more accurate to say "I hate radio one" rather than saying "radio one should be taken of the air", the first contains an emotion the word 'hate', whereas the second is a statement of an opinion.
2. Using the word "I" when expressing your emotions, and don't apportion blame, for example "you hurt me when" should be phrased as "I feel hurt when", this takes blame out of the equation. You are still expressing how you feel when a certain situation happens, but you are expressing it in the first person. If you were to hear '"you are inconsiderate" you would immediately become defensive and not listen to the rest of the sentence.
3. When expressing your feelings, be as clear and definitive as possible. For example instead of "I feel hurt because you are inconsiderate" all this does is place the other person in a defensive mode, but if it was rephrased to "I feel hurt when you don't listen to me when we are deciding what film to watch" Can you see the differences? How do you feel when you read the 2 examples, does one make you feel more defensive than the other? Which of the two would you prefer to hear, if you were on the receiving end of this sort of statement?
Continue to express yourself clearly and in ways that are easy to understand. You don't want to confuse yourself or the other person in what it is you want to change. No one can read your mind, so they can only meet your needs if they know them. How can someone attempt to meet your needs if you haven't told them what they are? If you are passive, you need to express your needs clearly and firmly. If you are normally aggressive, you need to express your preferences and not make the decision for all concerned, and if you are assertive listen to everyone and express your own feelings as well, so an informed choice can be made together so both needs are met in a way that everyone feels happy with.
An excellent way of continuing this method of dealing with difficult situations is with positive reinforcement. This can be in any form, from a kiss, saying the words 'thank you' to specifics of 'we'll save money' 'I'll have more energy to do the things we enjoy' etc etc. Think of the things that would make you feel that the effort you have put in to making a positive change is worth it. Write a list of positive statements/actions that could reinforce that change. Sometimes though positive reinforcement may NOT work, and you then have to look at 'negative' reinforcement. The outcome that would occur if the change doesn't happen, it has to be realistic, such as "if you cannot tell me when you are going to be home, I shall cook a meal and keep it warm for you in the oven". This is not a blaming statement, as it is acknowledging that they are unable to give a time, but the response is a meal will be cooked for a certain time and it will be kept warm until you arrive home. The negative result is they have missed eating it jointly, or with the family. It is also important to note that this is not a threat, threats do not always work, but they are 'good' at hurting someone.
Yes, there are more techniques!!!! Body language is a skill, we learn far more from ones body language than we do from what is being said. Our mouths may lie, but our bodies do not. Assertive body language is; maintaining eye contact, this can be difficult at first and it is not the same as staring, normally the contact is just above the eye, the emphasis is on maintaining it and not constantly looking downwards or away. Maintaining an erect body posture - no slouching. It is often easier to be assertive when you are standing up. One way of testing this out, is if you need to make a phone call that you don't want to make, try standing up and making it, and see if there is a difference in how you feel, during and after the call, you may be surprised. Speak clearly, audibly, and firmly - so the other person does not have to lean into your personal space. We all have a personal space, on average around two feet. So, when people step into it without 'our permission' we can become flustered and panicky. This is not assertive behaviour. Use gestures hands and facial gestures, generally the British are not very 'talkative' with their hands, unlike the Italians who use them as a continuation of their verbal conversation, helping them to express all that they want to. There is no need to go bonkers by waving your hands all over the place, but they don't need to be glued to your hips either. Finally an open body posture is good, no crossed legs and arms, as this is showing the other person you are being open and honest.
Another step is the ability to listen, I have mentioned it a number of times. If you want, someone to hear what you are saying you should listen in return. There are times when your ability to listen is easier, for example arriving home from work, may not be the best time to have a conversation that requires you to listen. You may need to unwind for an hour, and then you will be able to listen. When listening there may be a need to clarify points, plus by clarifying a point is also demonstrating that you are trying to listen and understand what is being said. This is also shown when you acknowledge what has been said by saying something as simple as "I hear what you are saying you want X"
A section on manipulation will be added soon
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