This is one area where we can all learn something. We cannot know enough about how we think. Our thought process gives us our persona. The more we know about ourselves the more we can change or alter certain behaviour patters we may or may not like. We can also learn how to behave more like we would want to. Currently there is a lot of press about how to change, bookstores have shelf after shelf on self-improvement, get to know the inner you etc. This exercise of noticing negative thoughts, feelings and behaviours is not like that as such, but it does have its merits.
To explain, most of the time when alone unless meditating or asleep we talk to ourselves. We have our own idea as to how we perceive ourselves; this may be completely different to how everybody else sees us. We may at some point begin to have feelings about a situation or event that we wished we had handled differently. This is in part because hindsight is such a great tool to have! However, we can learn from the experience and fingers crossed not make the same error again. We need a similar technique that can/could be used now. This is where this exercise/techniques comes into its own. Below contains a small list of negative thinking habits. At the end, there is a small amount on challenging negative thinking.
In most cases our worst critic is ourselves. Its noticeable when we are asked to write list of 10 things we like about ourselves, and 10 things we do not. Most people can fill the negative category much faster than the positive. Why not give it a go. Use a piece of paper and try to list positive things about yourself and the negative. In stress management training this technique is very useful in that it gives you the time to have a really hard look at you, your work, family, everything. Why do you need to do it? How else can we change if we do not know / remember our own internal thoughts? I use a couple of techniques that people have found initially difficult but if they stuck with it they were quite surprised at the result.
Let me start with negative thinking in its own capacity. As I have said we all have an internal dialogue, and what we say is the interesting part, it can be negative or positive. If it is negative, stress levels can increase and cause health problems. Not only that but if we think negatively we will also behave negatively and expect other people to treat us in a negative manner. Here are a few categories that negative thinking can fall into.
The first is 'overgeneralization'; this tends to be when one assumes that no one likes me. This in itself can be identified quite quickly; it tends to start with a few certain words, 'never', 'always', 'every', 'nobody', 'everyone'.
The second category Self-blame, this is when you take the blame for everything even for things you did not do! It is often easy to think you are the cause of someone else's unhappiness. Yet when logic is used it is clear someone else's emotions are in their control not ours!. The other person plays a part in his or her own moods. If you find yourself apologising all the time, maybe this is you?
A third category Personalisation, this is when you take other peoples words out of context and blame yourself, for example if someone says they are tired, you think they are tired because of something you did or are doing. Furthermore, you will compare yourself to others in a negative way.
My Favourite, Mind reading, this is when you believe everyone else around you believes or sees you in the same light as yourself. By thinking, "they think I am daft", "stupid" etc, suggests you have the power to read minds. I wish that were true!
Then Perfectionism where everything has to be done perfectly, no mistakes are allowed. In other words, the goal is always out of reach and if you are getting close, you move it out of reach, again!
Another, Catastrophising; this is when your think things around you are much worse than they actually are. Everything is taken out of proportion; the smallest maths error makes you think you are in trouble with your bank.
The last one (I'll mention) is Selective seeing; this means you look for all the negative things and disregard anything positive. Can you see yourself in any of these categories?
Something small to remember
Negative thoughts have negative effects on our lives.
Negative thoughts always make things worse than they actually are.
Negative thoughts virtually stop you from doing anything you want, or even try something new.
Negative thoughts try to predict the future, the result always being negative.
Negative thoughts appear to let you read other peoples thoughts/minds!
Negative thoughts are very rarely true.
Negative thinking is a habit and habits can be changed and you have taken the first step on that road, by reading this page. The next is to start to listen to your thought and write them down. A pattern may appear, for example, you may have more negative thoughts each time your boss passes your desk, or a friend, family call etc. This is a large task to do; because once it is on paper, it is harder to refuse the reality of your thoughts. In addition,when you write them down or speak of them you are going one step further and validating the thought, that you really did think that thought.
What have all these habits have to do with stress and how do we challenge them? It is clear negative thoughts cause stress. If we think negatively about a situation, we will feel negative. For example, having an argument with a neighbour may end up with you thinking negatively about it, which leads to feeling negatively about it.
How do we know whether a comment someone made was meant to be taken in fun or as criticism? Our feelings may say its criticism, but that may not be the REALITY. This becomes difficult when we negative words internally, it may even go as far as you not being able to turn off the words. The stress mounts up, for example if as a child you were subjected to a lot of negativity, such as "you are stupid" "you aren't intelligent so don't try" "you can't loose weight" "you eat too much" etc, it isn't surprising that you grow up and maybe using those same words internally. They can also be passed onto the next generation if you are repeating those same words to your children. However, with practice you can learn to change negative thoughts into positive ones and believe the positive thoughts.
Now we already have the logs where you recorded negative thoughts feelings and behaviour, (see the next section) this may bring a pattern to the surface. For example, it may become clear that you are more negative about yourself just after you have seen family or a friend etc. If a pattern emerges, you can do something quickly such as saying something, or deciding enough is enough and walk away. Even if there is no clear picture you can still take control over your own thoughts, feelings and behaviour, you cannot change the past, but you do not have to allow the past to control you. This part is really all about defining our own beliefs and changing them if need be.
The next phase is to observe our reactions to different events and situations. There is a small gap between the event and how we feel about it, we assume our responses are in response to the event, this is not the case. Studies have been done that shows there is a gap between an event and our reaction, this is where belief comes in. Therefore in reality it becomes event = belief = response. For example, an event happens, we think about it, which produces a feeling and a reaction to the event. (This is clinically the ABC procedure - I will discuss this further in the behaviour section). The gap between the event and response can be milliseconds, seconds, minutes etc and if often goes un- noticed. A friend asks us out and we reply with a yes or no, but before giving that answer, we have had a belief/thought.
Sadly negative thoughts do not always stay in our minds; they can and often do result in action. The example above where option one is to remain depressed that is what happens when thought becomes act. The best way to challenge a negative thought is to learn what B is. A form called aptly ABC form is used, if you would like a copy please Email: michellepearson@worldonline
.co.uk.
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